travelune has now come to the end of the journey. I might have stop orbitting around the world but I haven't stopped writing. Another chapter closed means another chapter opened. Hop onto www.craftygeekythings.blogspot.com and watch me muse all things crafty, geeky and fashionable. Twas fun while it lasted. x

The aftermath

In my head , I've had a these non-existant conversations with him. I wanted to have the last say, to make the last biting impression, to prove him wrong. But the fact is, nothing could've changed the dynamics of this situation. It was bad execution, bad timing. You'd think that after 2 years and 3 months, this anomaly in his character would not in a million years happen. But it's the thing with most people - desperate situations garner desperate measures. My trust is betrayed. So much for having faith, and constantly making the best out of the distance.

Am I hurt, you would ask.

Yes I am. Of course. If there was a double edge sword, this was it. 3 weeks of annual leave and an expensive air ticket doesn't buy you a say in the way this should end. And the crude act was claimed as a reach out for technology. Technology, seriously.

I can't believe that he did this to you, you would say.

To be honest, none of us expected this at ALL. But I suppose between Nov and Dec he had plenty of time to plot and think about it and this is the fruit of that thought process. So does that mean work and uni are all excuses as on top of all that, he manages to fit someone new in his life? Busy indeed. But the crucial bit was that I was left out of this picture entirely. He plotted and planned, and he didn't think it was a big deal to talk to me about it. It didn't matter how I feel, how I react. It was all assumptions in his head. He has thought the worst of me in this whole saga because the beacon that shines above me gets dimmer by the second, and in the end, there was nothing but shadows.

What did he say, what are his justifications?, you would ask again.

Instead of bowing out of it like a true gentleman, he's thrown someone into the picture. Truth to be told, it could end without me knowing that bit of information, and i might perhaps be better off without knowing it. Now it just seems like he's got no respect for me nor this new person in his life. She's the reason that this all fell apart, not distance. She became the scapegoat. Distance became secondary. So really, in this light, infidelity was the issue. All I can say is, good luck. I am glad that your hair's not tangled with mine anymore. I thought you were noble, I really did.

Any last parting words?

I don't hate you
I don't like you
I don't dislike you
and I most certainly do not love you.
I loved you
But I cannot love you now and I will not love you.

If I have emotions at all, I am done with wasting them on you.

Full circle

And so she left home the even number of 4 years short to a decade and wished that the dreams that were crafted in those foreign lands abroad did not just sink like a ton of bricks into the sea.

Sink it did, back to the motherland where reality hits, larger than life, changing her life and others around her. Lofty dreams became even loftier, toiling away in the well-oiled but overworked Asian population. It was fruitful, different from what she's experienced from the past, but only she stuck out like a sore thumb in the crowd, the black sheep amongst the endless sea of white, and conformity is naught but a long forgotten concept once abide those many adolescent years ago.

Reintegration is a painful thing and full circles don't come easy.

There was this misconception borne by her goodself that the timing was right and she was ready to cast her expat lifestyle away in turn of something more promising and deserving for her stature. "It will be a full circle" she said. The exact same words that she used when wrapping up the final vestiges of academia life. Little that she knew that going home wasn't the full circle that she talked about. Rather, it was the idea of being left behind in the magical place that made the thought more appealing than it should be. She could've been a pauper, but with red tape surrounding her existence and survival in the city, she took leave thinking simply that her time was up and that was the best available option.

A week from her first year away from the bright lights of big city, she sought for solace, for a reason to escape from the world she resides in. She wants to feel the haphazardness of it all. She wants to see him. Only that he no longer feels the same way about her.

It was then that she finally realised that that was the full circle that has finally come together in her life. London remains that magical vessel of a city.

Dark corners

If the cyber space is the corner where I can verbalise all this pain that I feel, then let it be, it is the dark corners that I want to hide in, at least for a little while. No one sees the truth for I am masked by a lingering shadow that won't go away until I am ready to face sunlight again.
In the dark corners of the wall I cast irrate words and negative thoughts, hoping they would soon disappear in the infinite depths of the corner. It is the soul that needs salvation from the poison that comes from within. I am in need of an antidote that cures all evils of the world that I am in.
I want to smile the happiest of all smiles, but all I could manage is a frown.
I want to weep tears of joy, alas only devastating sobs pierce the air in its solitude.
I want to breathe in air and feel blessed to be alive, but there is no air, and I am choking with each breathe drawn in.
And with each word tapped on the screen, I am indulging in my self pitying flights of fancy.
That dark corner hides a multitude of sins,
lest I'd be accused of being selfish.
I'd emerge unscathed on the outside, never letting the world see that inside, I have slowly, but surely eroded away.

the cons of being a pro

What were you thinking in your head when you were growing up as a child?
Hopelessly random question this is and then it all seems relevant when I eventually put it in a context.
I guess I'm just lamenting of sorts because all isn't well in the professional life. I still stand by the fact that people make work complicated. If there aren't so many people trying to be professor X, the world or shall I say the workplace would've be a much habitable space. And we could all just go on living our lives as ruthless capitalists and indulgent consumers regardless of country nor region.
And when thoughts like these continually surface in the head, it means my head is working overtime on unnecessary bad energy.

which also means, bedtime beckons.

dog eat dog

I don't know if I am trying hard enough or if I've actually done my best. Somedays I think I'm just resisting certain aspects of my life here when my heart is somewhere else. Somedays I feel happily contented just going with the flow. Truth is, I don't want to be just somebody who does what is required. I don't want to be a robot that does everything that gets heaped on my plate just because it's part of the parcel. Where is the fun of that? I might as well be someone who doesn't have thinking skills.

I want to feel it and know it inside out. I want to do it because I know fully what the consequences are and what the full package entails. I want to do and not fear of being reprimanded in any other way because no one can make me feel small unless I allow it to be that way.

And then after all this talk, it all boils down to one simple fact.
It's a dog eat dog world that we're living in. You win some and lose some.

Honestly, right now, I'd need a lifejacket and a parachute to go through with this ordeal I've put myself into. As for the rest, some chill pills and common courtesy would not go amiss. We could do with some positive vibes around here.

Foreign Homeland

I am home. That's possibly the simplest yet ambiguous statement one could say about being back at the place you grew up in, or does it?

Home is where the heart is, that's what they all say. Right now, I don't know if my heart is at it, but I know that I would like to give it a go, that's for sure. And getting accustomed to the environment is like trying to settle into Melbourne or London again, even if it's home.

There is the psychology that if you make an effort to blend in, everything would fall into place. The experience of coming home feels exactly like exploring a new set of cultural implications in a completely foreign country.

You play by the rules that govern the society that we live in. It should be a piece of cake, seeing there's no visas to mull about, or a weird language that doesn't make sense. Still the process of integration is a tricky one.

First there's the history to think about. The 6 year absent is never easy to explain because people like jumping to conclusions. When the family details are relinquished, it only fuels their ideas that consequently become a concrete thought. Once it's formed, you are set in their minds. Whilst the things that make you a person is a blurry haze, they can always count on the many stereotypes to inform what they think best represents you.

I'm certainly no stranger to being the stereotype only child scenario. In fact it's one of those things that would follow me wherever I go, possibly to the end of time. You can always count on countless pointless conversations to find that your childhood, family and values does not conform to the perceived average ideals of the society.

And then I'm reminded that it's just a dog eat dog world we live in....it's a competition of being the loudest and proudest, by hook, by crook, by wit or merely by sheer lung capacity.